i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
