I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
