oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
