Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
