i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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