Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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