We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
