I'm going to jail i love you
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
