We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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