We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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