I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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