the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
