Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
