you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
