I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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