I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
