im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
