My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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