he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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