I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
