When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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