i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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