I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
