Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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