Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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