You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
