After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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