i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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