i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
