His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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