You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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