awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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