I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
home. puking in laundry basket.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I need to align my fucking chakras
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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