____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
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