I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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