Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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