Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
