Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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