I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
