Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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