Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
