conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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