and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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