I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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