next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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