i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
