took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
