He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
