my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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