I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
